I realised something yesterday and I’m not sure how it happened. I screwed up. I did something I swore I’d never do, but it just happened over a number of years that I didn’t even fully acknowledge it until that very moment, credit card in hand, agonising and staring at my laptop…
And then I saw it. A girl looking back at me, nervous, doubting herself, someone usually so strong and sure, questioning her ability. How could this be MY reflection staring right back at me?
Just days ago I was on the biggest high after deciding to go on a solo yoga/surfing/spa trip in Bali – my last solo soul adventure was over two years ago when I went hiking in Nepal (amazing by the way), but now, that excitement of Bali was being taken over by anxiety as I booked my flights – and this is the bit in the story that makes me cringe – I was anxious booking them because I was booking them ALL BY MYSELF.
Yep, I have gotten so used to my trusted side kick, my best friend and fiancé being there (ok doing it for me) that I haven’t had to flex my independent woman muscle in a while. I had become a (love) dependent spouse.
The voice, you know, the weaker, meaner version of you that roams in your head was on a roll – taunting lines like you will book the wrong dates, you will have too many cross overs, what about customs, do you really want to be alone?!
Pathetic I know, but after oh let’s say a good 24 hours; I took a good look at myself and said suck it up princess ‘you got this.’ So I booked the flights, and instantly I came back to my independent senses – holy shit that’s right, I am confident, I am adventurous and I can do anything!! (Cue ‘I am woman hear me roar’ playing in background).
So this got me thinking, how else has love made me (and maybe you) dependent over the years? I have been so caught up in my love bubble (despite it being over 7 years – yep he is pretty awesome), that I have let some things slide that I swore I’d never do.
Cancel catch ups with friends because I was happy chillin’ with him, ditch an event on the weekend because it was the only time I get to really see him with my busy schedule, getting him to organise visas all the time… nothing major, but they add up you know.
Have you let things slide since being loved up?
Take time to work out what is missing, how do you get YOU back while still making room for another person? Maybe you need to start drawing again, start that hobby back up, catch up with your friends, learn to be without your ‘other half’ because you know what? Independence is damn sexy and it will only make you stronger not only as a couple but DEFINITELY as a person.
Kick ass today!
Are you still with the guy? And if yes.. why the solo trip?
Yes we are engaged!! Why am I with him? Because he is a pretty dam awesome guy (the best I know) and he always has my back and encourages me to do things – just like my solo trips!! I think everyone needs to be able to spend time alone at some point in their life whether that be without friends, family or partners – it is very healthy!